5 Times Someone Fell Down The Invisible Lift
by RaspberryAngel
Summary: As Gwen said, half the time there's just a great big hole in the ground. (Rating moved up to a 'T' due to chapter 3)
1. The First Time:: Ianto

**Disclaimer: I own nothing… **

**Summary: as Gwen said, half the time there's just a great big hole in the ground.**

**Please R&R!**

**First time:**

The first time was an accident, one of which Ianto completely, and very unfairly in Jack's opinion, blamed on Jack. Jack, in his defence, hadn't intentionally set out to cause damage; he had merely been trying to put an end to Owen's continuous moaning and whining over '_that stupid overgrown flying frog'. _If Myfanwy _had_ been getting slightly restless then that had nothing at all to do with Jack neglecting to feed her, although according to the rota Gwen had insisted on putting up it had been his slot. Also it had, after all, been Ianto himself who had demanded that Jack stop moping in his office pretending to be doing paperwork and go out, give her some exercise and leave them all in a much more relaxed frame of mind.

I wasn't as if Jack had _asked _for her to break free and start mindlessly terrorising pigeons and innocent members of the public whose only crime was to have an afternoon out at the Plass. Jack hadn't planned for any of this to happen but, for some reason, trouble always seemed to have a way of bending around Captain Harkness.

At the time Ianto had no doubt that Jack could probably handle the pterodactyl's escapade on his own, of course that was until Myfanwy managed to eat the roof off somebodies car and knock several concerned civilians into the water. At this point Ianto had felt the need to step in.

"Come on Myfanwy, come and get your breakfast!" Ianto had coaxed the prehistoric flying lizard with a large bar of dark chocolate he'd found stuffed in Gwen's desk drawer, he sincerely hoped she wouldn't miss it as a hormonal Gwen was the last thing he really needed right then. Myfanwy, for her part, had perched herself precariously on top of the water tower and regarded Ianto and Jack with cool, lazy eyes. It was clear to see that she wasn't planning on coming down anytime soon. It was a miracle, Ianto thought, that no police cars had turned up yet.

Jack had tapped his com, taking care not to let his eyes drift from the pterodactyl disinterestedly preening herself on top of one of Cardiff's biggest tourist attractions. "Gwen, we could do with some back up here." He had spoken into the com, his voice slightly strained at the thought of all the police and UNIT files he'd have to fill out just from the one near fatal slip up. Gwen, forever the trusted employee, had immediately called the invisible lift.

Jack drew a second bar chocolate from his belt as if he were unsheathing a gun, he held it out in front of him hoping to catch Myfanwy' attention, all the while chattering into the com, giving Gwen instructions on working the lift. Ianto had seen Myfanwy' wings twitch at the sight of more chocolate, her hungry gaze flickering over to the Captain. Before Ianto had time to shout a warning Myfanwy pounced. With a shriek that would have put any self-respecting banshee to shame she dive-bombed Jack, knocking him to the ground as if he were nothing more than a used bowling pin. Almost comically, a domino effect began to take place as Jack slammed backwards into Ianto who fruitlessly tried to outrun the fall, which is something no one in the history of mankind has ever managed to pull off, before toppling back into the gaping hole situated in the floor where the invisible lift should have stood.

So technically, Jack thought grimly as he sipped his decaf coffee and watched Ianto hobble his way around the hub, one arm in a sling and every so often sending a glare in the direction of Jack's office, it wasn't his fault.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**~RaspberryAngel**


	2. The Second Time:: Jack

**Disclaimer: I own nothing… **

**Summary: as Gwen said, half the time there's just a great big hole in the ground.**

**A/N: Sorry, this one was completely rushed and only read through twice. Let's hope it's okay.**

**Second time:**

The second time everyone would rather not talk about. It had been based largely on the fact that Owen had insisted on the lifts repair work before somebody else fell off or had an accident like Ianto's. Gwen had been against the idea from the start, reminding them that it hadn't actually been problems with the lift that had caused Ianto to fall. Owen, however, was determined to try out his new tool kit and Gwen was eventually outvoted two to three. Surprisingly, Jack had taken her side but Gwen had guessed that was probably more to do with the fact that he would have to take the money for the repairs out of his own pockets instead of the company budget.

While Owen fiddled with his tools, narrowly avoided setting Tosh's hair alight with the blow-torch and took great delight in buying the most expensive parts possible, much to Jack's horror, Jack went to investigate what Ianto and Gwen were gawping at on the CCTV screens. In one hand Ianto held a forgotten cup of coffee that was very slowly beginning to tip forwards into a pile of some rather official looking documents. The UNIT reports Gwen was meant to be filing hung limp in her grasp as her attention was captured by something much more interesting. As Jack drew nearer he realised that they were watching, with such focus, a Weevil out in the Plass. The Weevil was banging its head repetitively against the side of the water tower as if it were convinced it could knock it down with shear brute strength alone.

"We should probably do something about that." Jack murmured watching the footage intently.

"Yeah," said Gwen, her eyes never leaving the screen, "probably…"

Nobody moved.

"What do you think it's trying to do, Sir?" Ianto asked, suddenly noticing the coffee subtly dripping over the rim of the mug and onto the files below.

"Maybe it can smell another Weevil in the Hub." Gwen replied, frowning at the monitor.

"Great that's all we need," Jack growled, "A Weevil with the determined idea of freeing Janet." Before the others could reply Jack swept from the room with a dramatic flair, in his haste forgetting his greatcoat. The blaring of the cog door echoed through the confined underground chamber, reminding Jack that it was still in winter mode and therefore the noise was dulled slightly. He briefly considered going back for his coat but, considering the way he'd left, this wasn't the most appealing of ideas and would probably only ruin his exit.

He stepped out onto the Plass, the air was cool and crisp and the sky clear and unburdened by clouds. The soft white glow of the moonlight gave the rippling waters of the bay the effect of a milky sheen of light. Across from him the streetlamps shone dimly, illuminating the mildew coated stone slabs of the ground. Over by the water tower, as if caught in a loop, the Weevil continued its onslaught.

Jack sighed at the stupidity of the thing and wondered, not for the first time, whether they were descended directly from pheasants. They certainly had the brain the size of a pheasants. Jack had to admire their optimism however, despite all the odds they seemed convinced that no matter how often they threw themselves head first into danger; quite literally in this case, they would always either survive or evade the clutches of Death. Just like pheasants then.

Jack closed in on the creature, the nearer he drew the easier it became to pick out certain details, the first being a large cut in the Weevil's abnormally broad forehead where it had hammered it perhaps a little too enthusiastically against the tower. He also noticed a small, hopefully non-fatal, puddle of blood beginning to form at the thing's feet.

"Congratulations, you're setting new levels for stupidity amongst sewer dwellers everywhere." Jack intoned once he stood only a couple of metres away.

The Weevil momentarily stopped trying to destroy one of Cardiff's most famous landmarks and turned to face him, its beady eyes peered out from under heavy eyebrows and thick drooping leathery folds of skin, flickering with an unnerving unrecognisable light.

Jack approached the Weevil, his hand wavering by his gun in case the creature should jump him. The Weevil snarled, its lip curling back over its yellow fangs. _The evil smile of death, _Jack thought. It was almost comical if it wasn't for the fact that those fangs could rip out your throat in a couple of seconds. As the Weevil returned to bashing its brains out with renewed vigour, Jack prayed it wouldn't notice the hole where the lift should have been, luckily Weevil's had poor eyesight.

Jack shrugged, "Well I asked you nicely," The Weevil growled, this time not even turning around to face him, but otherwise completely ignored him. "I'm sure Janet appreciates your devotion."

It took Jack 2 minutes and 26 seconds to restrain the creature. In that time Jack had almost completely convinced himself that Ianto would never even realise the stopwatch had been missing. He examined the water tower with interest. Despite all its faults the Weevil certainly had an admirably hard head he had noted once he'd discovered the large dent in the metal exterior. He'd get Ianto to deal with that later.

Jack tapped his com. "Yanto?"

"Sir?"

"I think we need a better water tower, this one's broken."

"You do realise this is the third time this week I've had to call the council to report 'vandalism to a historic communal structure'."

"Why? What caused the other times?" Ianto could practically hear the smirk in Jack's voice.

"I'd rather not say, Sir. I believe you featured rather heavily in those."

Jack grinned, "Can't we just get permission from the Monarch? You know the whole 'if it's obstructing Torchwood we're allowed to dent it' act."

"We did Sir. I believe you used the permission form as a coaster."

Jack chuckled, "Ah yes, I remember now, so what do I do with the Weevil?

"Leave it there, I'll send Owen up for it later, I trust it's sedated?"

"Sleepin' like a baby."

"Good. Oh, and Jack? You haven't seen my stopwatch anywhere, have you?"

Jack was saved from answering this unavoidable question as he stepped forward to move himself around and away from the unconscious body of the Weevil; living in the sewers didn't do anything for their smell, and slipped in the puddle of blood from the Weevil's forehead.

Jack skidded on the suddenly slippery surface, which wasn't helped by the large amount of water that had splashed off the tower. He just had time to pray to whatever force was out there that he wouldn't land on anything _too _important before he pitched forwards straight into the ominous gaping hole where the invisible lift should have been.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**~RaspberryAngel**


	3. The Third Time:: Miriam

**Disclaimer: I own nothing and make no profit from this…**

**Summary: as Gwen said, half the time there's just a great big hole in the ground.**

**A/N: Most of the dialogue and ideas came from the books 'Squires Tales' by Gerald Morris. I don't own that either…**

**Third time:**

Nobody quite understood what had happened the third time until the alien woman was lying in a limp heap on the floor of the Hub. Afterwards, it was thought of as one of the most tragic and upsetting experiences of the Torchwood member' entire careers to that point.

It had all started off as a completely uneventful day which, somewhere along the way, had lead into a rather confusing and distressing routine Weevil check. It had all been so simple, check the side alleys and Plass for any rebellious Weevils before returning to the Hub for a nice quiet evening of paperwork, of course that had all spiralled out of control the minute Owen had noticed the man and woman locked in a shouting match with each other on the floor of the Plass.

This wasn't the most normal thing they had ever seen on the Plass but still wasn't completely out of the ordinary, the problem was that both humanoids skin was a shimmering light blue in colour, proving them to not be human in origin and therefore Torchwood's business. As the team neared the pair, the woman struck out and scratched the man across the cheek. Orange blood began to well up from the gash and the man spoke for the first time.

"Good Golly, you've got some nails on you!" He cried, "You'll have me in a minute."

"Not at all," the woman replied coolly, "not while you have such good defence." The team could almost see the sarcasm drip from her tongue.

"Oh but look," The man returned, "you've reopened the wound in my side; I will most surely bleed to death soon."

The woman fluttered a hand to her chest and sighed dramatically, "Oh dear, and just when it had healed over too."

The pair launched themselves at each other again and continued their battle, tearing at each other's clothing and exposed skin. Jack pursed his lips as he watched the pair roll across the Plass before beckoning to the team to follow him. "I beg your pardon," He said once they were quite close, flashing a dazzling smile, "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"Well actually," the wounded man said grumpily, "you are, a bit."

Now, now Bernard," said the woman, smoothing her long embroiled satin dress, "There's no need to be rude."

The man sat back from his position on the ground, "Well he did ask, Miriam. In fact, if you ask me, he's the one who's being rude. It's clear to see that we're busy."

Jack cleared his throat loudly to get their attention, "Very true, Sir, I'm very sorry. If you'll excuse my vulgar curiosity, what exactly have I interrupted?"

The man eyed him angrily, "I fail to see how that's any of your affair." He sniffed. The woman, Miriam, nodded in agreement, "Quite right."

"Come on, surely you too don't really want to kill each other?" Jack asked searchingly.

"I shall never rest so long as we both breathe the same air!" the alien lady announced dramatically collapsing back into a sitting position beside the man. "I will kill him with my own bare hands if I must."

"But I've already yielded to you!" The man complained tiredly, as if they'd been through this same argument many times before.

"What difference does that make?" Miriam demanded, she turned to the team, still standing silently watching them, "This is Bernard of Tolonine!"

"Well good for him," Jack was getting impatient now, "But you two obviously don't belong on this planet, so if you could-."

"Sir," Ianto interrupted, "I don't think that would be such a good idea."

Jack blinked. "What?"

"Sending them off, locked in a small spaceship together where they will most likely kill each other before they arrive anywhere adequate."

Jack sighed, irate. He supposed it wouldn't do to just stick them back in their ship and let them throttle each other back to their home planet. "Okay, Okay…"

Owen snorted, "I don't see why we can't just leave them, it's not Torchwood's problem what aliens do in private." He glared warningly at Jack before he could jump on the innuendo hidden in that sentence.

"Look here," said Bernard from the ground. "I don't mean to interrupt but-."

"Oh no, no!" said Jack with false enthusiasm. "We were just wondering what it was that your fighting over exactly."

"Well," replied Miriam haughtily, lifting a slim hand and examining her delicate nails "one cannot stand by while the other insults them so."

"Exactly," agreed Bernard.

"What insults?" Jack pursued.

The couple looked at each other for a moment before the man asked, "Did I call you a recreant? Or did you call me one?"

"You called me craven, I'm certain."

"Was that before or after you called me a scurrilous knave?"

"Before, I'm sure."

"What about varlet? I'm pretty sure that you called me a varlet."

"And so you are! Blackguard!"

"What is this? Return of the middle ages?" muttered Owen. The pair on the floor of the Plass ignored him, regarding each other coolly. Gwen could tell that another fight was about to take place so she quickly stepped in. "But what started the insults?"

They looked at each other thoughtfully, "It wasn't over you crashing the ship? Was it?" Miriam asked thoughtfully. "No, no, of course not." The man replied with a dismissive wave of the hand. "Do you owe me money?"

"No, it isn't money either. Did you insult my mother?"

"Don't be stupid, she's my mother too."

"Do you mean to tell me that you're siblings?" Jack asked exasperated. Miriam looked at him as if he were some sort of loony; Jack was pretty sure there was some sort of irony in there somewhere. "Well of course." She stated.

"Seriously? Bickering brothers and sisters is one thing but you two must be setting new records…" Jack trailed off as he was faced by two angry glares.

"Are you insulting our family?" Bernard looked shocked.

"How dare you recreant!" Miriam's eyes burned with anger.

"Listen I don't want to fight-." Jack was cut off as the pair suddenly turned their anger onto him.

"You varlet,"

"Craven!"

"Leave us you scurrilous knave!"

"You… you…"

"Blackguard?" Jack supplied.

"Yes exactly, thank you."

Luckily, Gwen stepped in again before Jack could really join the fight as he was looking ready to punch Miriam, which probably wouldn't have gone down too well. "Listen 'Bernard of the whatever', do you apologize for calling this lovely lady rude names?"

Bernard nodded emphatically. "Like I said, I've already yielded to her."

"Right then," Gwen continued, "And I hope this lovely lady also apologizes for any rude names she might have called you." She turned to the blue-skinned woman. "Now then, what reparation should he pay you?"

"I've told you!" Miriam wailed, waving her arms about. "He must pay with his life."

"How about all of his lands? Do you own any lands on the planet you're from?" Gwen asked the man.

"I have a house in Winesta," he answered, "but it needs work."

"How about a run-down house in Winesta, wherever that is." Gwen asked the lady.

"Never!" she pronounced.

"It' not really run-down, it just needs the windows repaired and it'll be really very nice." Bernard contributed.

"Bernard will even pay for the repairs." Gwen added.

"Not as long as we both live!" The lady cried

"Well that answers that problem then," Owen spoke up sourly, "just kill the lady."

"You can't kill the lady!" Gwen looked horrified.

"Would you like me too?" Bernard asked eagerly.

"Oh shut up you!" Gwen snapped. As they talked the group were slowly but surely losing the plot; it had started out as trying to resolve the alien's argument and send them on their way. Somehow it had turned into a debate between Owen, Gwen and Bernard whether or not killing a lady would be classed as wrong on any planet besides Earth.

"I don't see what's so difficult about it Gwen," Owen commented, "She's endangering the life of another alien civilian!"

"Nothing at all," Bernard added helpfully, "Really, they're much easier than men."

Jack looked at him contemptuously. "You know, I'm beginning to think we ought to let her kill you after all."

"I told you!" crowed Miriam.

"But I've already yielded," Bernard pointed out.

They were reaching the point in the argument where they really needed someone like Ianto to helpfully step in and tell them that 'nobody would be killing anyone as first off, it was wrong, nobody cared which planets allowed it, and secondly it was a tad overly destructive and violent solution to an argument no one could even remember the reason for.' Unfortunately however, Owen was at his most grumpy.

"Look here," he snapped, "if it bothers Gwen so much to kill a lady, why don't we just let Bernard here do it while we all go back to our shallow, nice, quiet lives, I have paperwork to get done."

"How does that solve anything?" Gwen snapped back, Jack simply sighed.

"I really don't care anymore Owen; this was only meant to be a simple Weevil check."

Miriam turned to Jack, her grassy green eyes like dinner plates, her bright red, sparkling lower lip trembling, the picture of innocence and distress. "You would allow this villain to murder me?" she asked. "How could you bare such a pitiful sight?"

"I'd look away," Jack explained.

"Why?" Bernard muttered.

Jack ignored him and continued talking to the young woman, "Unless you accept his terms of apology and even offer your own."

The woman clasped her hand to her chest and wailed in despair. "Oh, woe is me. A damsel of two men's plotting minds." Then, surprising everyone, she pulled out a bejewelled dagger hanging from a chain around her neck and launched herself at her brother.

Bernard caught his sister wrist with ease, plucking the dagger from her hand.

Tosh screamed, Jack swore and in one clean movement drew his Welbey, sending a bullet into Bernard's head before he could drive the dagger into Miriam's heart.

Unfortunately for Bernard, his species didn't have very strong skulls. The team stared in horror as the lifeless body of the blue-skinned humanoid slid to the ground. Miriam stared at her brother's lifeless corpse for a moment, not speaking. She then turned to face them with liquid eyes.

"Oh thank you." She whispered, her hand fluttering to her chest in a very feminine like manner, "You have helped rid me of that monster, you have saved me." Jack realised too late what she was doing as he caught the flash of metal from the dagger around her neck, he looked up and saw Miriam's pretty face had an ugly scowl now plastered across it. She leapt towards him but as she did her foot caught on Bernard's corpse.

She gave an ear-piercing scream, that the team were surprised didn't bring the police running to the cold night time attack, before falling face first down the hole in the pavement, her long dress streaming out behind her.

No one was quite sure why the invisible lift wasn't in its usual place; all they knew was that the beautiful shimmering-skinned Miriam had just fallen down it. There was a long silence. Gwen burst into tears.

It took less than a minute for the whole team to get through the other entrance and into the Hub. Beneath the lift lay the alien woman's limp body. Jack went ahead alone but backed away slightly when Miriam gave a low moan. Jack stayed back but noticed that Miriam still hadn't moved from where she had fallen.

Jack edged his way carefully around her, turning her onto her back with his foot. What they saw next made Gwen cry even harder. She had fallen on her own dagger which was still protruding from her breast, a pool of orange blood already forming below her.

Her red lips were moving open and shut but no sound was coming out. Jack realised she was trying to speak, he leaned forward out of respect to hear her last words, stirred by her unexpected injury.

"Oh…. bugger it," she said before her eyelids fluttered closed. Then she died.

/Torchwood-Linebreak/

They burned the alien bodies far out in the Welsh countryside; Jack had refused to keep them in the freezers.

The wicker caskets were entwined with carnations and roses, complimentary of Gwen, and looked, as Jack had said, almost too pretty to burn. Inside the caskets the bodies of Miriam and Bernard had been wrapped in white satin shrouds, it wasn't everyday Torchwood were this moved by the deaths of two aliens.

"It should be their families doing this." Gwen murmured.

Jack said nothing.

"At the end," Gwen continued, "we were all talking about how killing one of them would have solved the others problem, especially since they were endangering each other's and our own lives, but if any of us had actually been asked seriously to do it… would you have?"

Jack still said nothing.

"You wouldn't, none of us would, because even though they both hated each other, they didn't deserve what happened to them."

"It's not every day you get this deep over a couple of aliens Gwen." Jack said, but there was no emotion behind it.

"Don't, Jack. Just don't."

Later, after spending several hours trying write the report on the death certificate about the tragic death of Bernard of Tolonine and how the beautiful Miriam, unable to go on without a beloved brother, had pulled out a dagger from her necklace and taken her own life. It wasn't exactly what had happened, but it sounded much nobler than Miriam tripping over Bernard's corpse in her haste to kill Jack and falling on her own blade. Gwen had wanted them to sound noble.

Nobody spoke about the third incident again and the invisible lift was barely used for the next 3 months. There was nothing like two violent siblings tragic and untimely deaths to shock the Torchwood team back into humanity. Gwen was right, in the end, no matter how blood-thirsty they were, they shouldn't have died the way they did.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**A/N: Please leave a review!**

**~RaspberryAngel**


End file.
